The visibility (and invisibility) of being overweight

I had a couple of things happen to me this week that have left me scratching my head.

First let me just say it: yep, I’m fat. I am not huge fat, but I am definitely larger than I should be. Think more like Queen Latifah than Ruby (who I commend tremendously for not only working at losing as much weight as she has – and will – but for also doing it in the public eye). Yes, I am trying to lose the weight, but it is not going to happen over night. In the meantime I have to put up with this…

I was out walking and this woman walking along also bumped into me. She was walking straight towards me. Wasn’t reading a book, looking in a window or anything. No distractions. Just walking along, like normal avoiding other people who were walking towards her. No reason to think that she wouldn’t do the same for me. However, though I tried to avoid her, she plowed straight into me. And then she looked incredibly surprised. “Sorry, I didn’t see you.”

Question: how could you NOT see me? (yeah, I was having one of those self-loathing ‘I am a whale. Not just any whale: a blue whale’ days).

If this had been an isolated incident, I would just shrug it off, but it’s not. When I am out walking I average at least one ‘didn’t see you’ incident a day. I have the black and blue shoulders to prove it. Apparently when I am walking along in public, I am invisible. I must be like someone from that Buffy episode.

It is actually a little worse when I am taking the subway. Whether the platform is full or empty… I am the only person that people seem to stand in front of. I had one experience where I was standing along the wall, waiting for the subway, and there was no one within 20 feet of me all around… and then this person came up and closer to the tracks, but directly in front of me. Sure, if a train had been coming I could have understood, but no, they just decided that there was the place to stop.

It is also annoying when there are a bunch of us, all leaning against the wall. A new person comes along and just guess who they decide to stand in front of? Yeah, yeah, I know what you are going to say, but I am not paranoid. It just always happens. Even a friend of mine remarked about it: “why is it, whenever I am with you and we’re waiting fr the train, someone always stands right in front of you?” I dunno; apparently I am invisible. (In one memorable situation, she mentioned this, I replied, and the person who had stationed themselves in front of me jumped, and looked at me in surprise. Yep, me = invisible).

The one place I seem to be VERY visible is in restaurants. Particularly at dessert time.

I was out to dinner with a business acquaintance the other day. First time at that restaurant, first time out with her. We had a pleasant dinner, chatting away, things were fine. Then the waiter came and cleared our dinner plates. He turned to me and said “do you want some dessert?” I said I didn’t and then turned to my companion and asked if she wanted anything and she declined. The waiter looked at me and asked, “are YOU sure?” Even my companion looked uncomfortable by his insistent tone.

What is that about? I am overweight, therefore I am dying to have dessert? Guess what? I don’t have dessert that often! I might grab a cookie once in a while, but my usual ’sweet’ is a whip of licorice, some fruit or some gum. And even if I did like dessert, I rarely get them when I go out. You would be surprised (or not) by the number of sneers I get from other people if I am caught eating something sweet in public. Apparently when it comes to me around food… I am VERY visible.

You think I’m joking?

I don’t know many other people who have been chased after by those kids selling chocolate for their schools. I even had one accuse me of lying when I said I don’t eat chocolate (great salemanship there, kid). I also can’t make eye contact with anyone selling candies, popcorn, cookies or cakes because if I do they yell at me/chase after me. And in the rare moments when I do get something sweet (i.e. ice cream on a hot day) I get the sneers.

Clearly:

• me, just being me = invisible
• me, around food = visible

Please help

As you may know, Australia holds a special place in my heart, and right now it is deeply saddened by the horrific wildfires that are devestating whole towns, killing people and destroying wildlife.

Especially after seeing stories like this, about this poor koala. I love koalas…

I know times are tough all over, but if you can help out… please do

If you would prefer to help the people who have been hurt by these fires, please donate here:

It’s all gone.

It’s gone. My laptop is dead and there is no way to retrieve ANY of my data.

100% total hard drive failure.

Everything on that computer is gone. My entire novel, all my WIPs, all my emails, my contact lists, everything.

My entire life.

And before you ask, yes I have some backups but not an entire one. The USB drive on the machine had been acting up, so while I have some of that stuff, I am missing great, gaping tracts of it. Stuff that cannot be retrieved, must be recreated.

I am so fucked.

Sounding off

I’m fat.

Okay, so ‘overweight’, ‘big-boned’, ‘Rubenesque’. Call it what you will, I know that it all comes down to what some jackass yelled at me from a bus the other day: fat. I am told I ‘carry it well’, or don’t look all that fat, but let’s face it. I got at least 50 pounds of weight I need to get rid of. I know it; I have to look in the mirror everyday.

I know what got me fat; deep unhappiness and depression. I know it, I own it, I accept it. I also know that it took several years for me to get to this weight and it will take several years for me to get rid of it. I also know that, at my age, it is going to be hard to do. But I also know this; just like with my finances, I got me into this mess and I’ll get me out. Sure I’d love to go the liposuction route, but it’s not a possibility on my budget, so let’s be realistic: I am going to have to do it myself.

All that… not what this rant is about. What my rant IS about is this: what the hell, fashion designers?! Clearly you all have never had excess weight (well duh), but just so you know from someone who has here are a few things to know:

• Overweight people are NOT big on ruffles. We are already big; why would we want a big ruffle stuck over our chests or, my personal fave, our bums, which only emphasize it? Or worse make us look another ten pounds heavier than we are? I was looking at shirts online just now and one of the ones they offered to ‘plus-sized’ had a ruffle down the front that came out about 2 inches, but was also a solid tube-like thing so that if a real plus-sized woman was modelling it (not the stick figure they had on screen) it would look like an extra roll of fat. Umm, NO!
• If you are going to make clothes for us: NO POLYESTER! No acetate. No unnatural fibers that do nothing more than make the wearer sweat. Seriously: we get called pigs enough, the last thing we need is to be called sweaty pigs. We need fabrics that breathe just as much as the rest of the world. Why do some of the sort-of fashion forward designers out there who actually make plus-sized clothes that are similar to the sizes they put out for un-plus people, suddenly, as soon as the clothes hit 16w or 1x or whatever, change the material it is made out of from wool, cotton, etc. to some sort of poly-blend? I saw some shirts, by a well-known designer – the one at size 16 was “100% cotton”. The one at 16x was “cotton blended with lycra”. Why?
• For that matter, why do you design clothes and then not produce them in sizes greater than 14? The average woman is a size 16 – which means a lot of woman are wearing sizes higher than that: cater to them! I have seen some excellent suits, cut in a way that would minimize some of my curves, that would fit me great – but they just don’t go that extra size or two higher.
• If you are going to put flounces in skirts, make the first flounce lower for plus-sized people. Put it below the hip, not on the hip. We already know we got hips: no need to emphasize ‘em.
• When making clothes, using material that has big flowers (or whatever) on them tends to emphasize the largeness of the wearer not de-emphasize it. Believe me: no daisy in a size never to be seen in nature is going to cover the fact that I am in the double digits dress size-wise.
• Stop forcing us into dark colours! Yes, they are slimming and all, but no amount of black clothing is going to cover the fact that I need to exercise more. It will just make me look sallow and make me feel depressed. And depressed is what helped get me overweight. Give me colour! Emerald green, royal blue, purple, ruby red! Colour! Not shades of black, grey and navy blue.

That’s it for now.

Oh, a few more rant-y things:

• if you see an overweight person exercising, don’t sneer: they are trying. They are working at it. Sneering just puts people off and what they need – what all people need – is encouragement.
• if you see an overweight person eating, don’t sneer. People need to eat. Don’t lecture them on their food choices or tell them they shouldn’t be eating at all (yeah, ’cause just stopping eating is sooo healthy). People need to eat. Even supermodels munch their lettuce (they may throw it up later, but I don’t lecture them on the stupidity of that choice). Go away and mind your own business

Taking a weekend trip

I have to head over to Southwestern Ontario for a concert, so I thought I’d make a weekend of it and do something I love doing: going to Farmers Markets. I’d heard about the St. Jacobs Market before and so I looked it up and lo and behold: the town of St. Jacobs is having a “special holiday shopping Open House” November 7-9.

I am looking forward to it because I’ve heard St Jacobs is a beautiful old country town, full of Mennonite heritage. Living in Winnipeg for several years I had gotten used to seeing the Mennonite and Hutterite visitors and enjoying the wonderful crafts they would bring to various craft fairs in the area. So this weekend is a great opportunity to take a look around, enjoy wonderful food and maybe find that perfect crafty holiday present.

Depending on if I wake up early enough (always a chore) I may even get to hop the Waterloo Central Railway to get to the Market and the town. An old steam train! How cool is that?

Yeah, I know… I am looking to be amused. But seriously, after all the drama that usually surround concerts of the ilk I am going to… a relaxing old country day will be just what I need.

Fantastic new author!

46) Dead to me , Anton Strout. AWESOME! I loved this one! Simon is fascinating and so it the Department of Extraordinary Affairs. Set in New York, the twists and turns are fascinating. I love the idea of cultists setting up as a for-profit company. LOL. Very similar to an idea I had for a novel a while back… and no, not going to tell you just in case I finally get it written. All I am going to say is if you like urban fantasy, get this book!

Trying to get more books in before I have to take time off

44) On the Prowl, Patricia Briggs, Eileen Wilks, Karen Chance, Sunny. If you like urban fantasy/paranormal romance… get this book of novellas. Okay, so I am not sold on Sunny’s Mona Lisa series even after reading a couple of her novellas, but the other 3 tales… awesome! Big fan of Patricia Briggs’ series and really like the byplay between Charles and Anna in Alpha and Omega.

45) Birthright, Nora Roberts. Interesting premise; a child is kidnapped as a baby, never told she was adopted and suddenly stumbles on her birth family. Set this on top of the archeological find of the century. An enjoyable read, though I admit I picked this one up because of the whole archeological find aspect. And that wasn’t really explored – a ‘B’ story than gets relegated to ‘C’ level.

Enjoy it when fantasy authors take on important issues.

39) Summoned to Tourney, Mercedes Lackey and Ellen Guon. Sometimes earthquakes happen and sometimes the bad guys try and make them happen. A story from the beginning of the Bedlam Bard series and one of the good ones.

40) Wheels of Fire, Mercedes Lackey and Mark Shepherd. How I wish it were true that elves were there to rescue kids who were being abused. It would make the world a better place. Here the elves are not only trying to save a child from abuse, they are also taking on a radical religious cult. Another reason why I have rejected organized religion; there are far too many people in the world you use it to justify horror, abuse and violence against others. Oops, better not get onto that tangent…

41) Fire Me Up, Katie MacAlister. So not the book to read after a book about child abuse. It was just too fluffy and light. Needless to say; didn’t enjoy it much.

42) Sacred Ground, Mercedes Lackey. Clearly I needed to go back to one of my fave authors. This was about environmental and aboriginal issues. For not being Native, I think Misty did a great job. Of course neither am I so all I can say it that it felt good to me.

43) Over the Moon, Angela Knight, MaryJanice Davidson, Virginia Kantra, Sunny. Four paranormal romance novellas (in other words kissy kissy stuff with werewolves, Fae and other spookies). Interesting tales; liked MaryJanice Davidson’s best. Light, but the byplay between our two potential lovers was deliciously snarky.

More reading

35) Bloodfever, Karen Marie Moning. Not all Sidhe are good Sidhe. Heck, not even the good ones are all that great, as MacKayla Lane has found out. This is the 2nd in a series that is really shaping up well. Lots of twists and turns, with interesting characters.

36) Every Secret Thing, Laura Lippman. After reading The Last Place, I was keen for another Lippman book, but this one just didn’t resonate with me. Not sure why. It was good, with lots of twists, but something just… I dunno.

37) By a Spider’s Thread, Laura Lippman. I enjoyed this one much better than the last. Maybe it was because I already knew the characters, though one of the people in Every Secret Thing did make an appearance here. Like the last one, there were plenty of twists.

38 ) Hound the Falcon, Judith Tarr. When mysteries are leaving you feeling a little flat, do a switch! Pick up a fantasy novel – in this case a trilogy (all in one book so I’ll count them as 1) set in the Crusade period. With elves. Nice elves. And evil churchfolk (and some nice ones too). And kings and princes and saints. A nice break from reality…

Another book-aholic confession

24) Seven Towers, 25) Daughter of Witches, 26) Shadow Magic, 27) Harp of Imach Thyssel, by Patricia Wrede. After reading Caught in Cryrstal a short while ago I got the bug to read more of Patricia. So I pulled all the books of hers that I had and read them again. I still admire her economy of phrasing.

28 ) Wolf Moon, Charles de Lint. While pulling out my Wrede books I discovered this tale by one of my all time favourite authors (and a heck of a bodhran player as I discovered when I stumbled upon him one night in a pub in Ottawa). Not my fave book of his, but still good.

29) Love is Murder, Linda Palmer. A murder mystery set in the world of soap operas. Well, I like mysteries, but not a fan of soap operas (despite my continuing to watch CSI: Miami), still this was more fun than I thought. Quirky characters and silly situations. Nice.

30) The Last Place, Laura Lippman. Was still in a mystery mood, so picked this one up from my ‘found in my personal library’ pile. This was a wonderful book; Tess Monaghan is definitely in a mess this time with court-ordered counselling and then a job searching domestic abuse cases. Cases that involve far more than meets the eye. Fascinating twists and turns, and bizarre characters.

31) Dead Man Rising, Lilith Saintcrow. When I first stumbled over the Dante Valentine series, I admit I sneered a little. Both the name chosen for the main character and the name of the author just seemed so fanciful… but I stopped sneering fast. Affectations aside, this is an excellent series. This is the second in the series and here Dante is trying to drown her sorrow (sorry, not giving away what happened in the first book) in work. Unfortunately she gets pulled into a situation where she has to deal with the worst of her childhood. And a truly horrible childhood it was… If you thought pedophiles were bad, wait till you meet the people who tainted Dante’s early life.

32) The Devil Inside, Jenna Black. What a cool premise: voluntary demon possession in order to do good works. And when it isn’t voluntary, you call in our heroine, exorcist Morgan Kingsley. When Morgan discovers she has been forcibly possessed by a demon, a demon who doesn’t want to be in her any more than she wants him to be, the two of them have to work together (sort of) in order to try and figure a way out of the mess. And their ally? A demon-possessed man who is very much into sadism.

33) The Vampire of New York, Lee Hunt. When I was reading a lot of fanfiction (still reading lots, but of a different genre) there was this writer who always got to me. Her stories started out wonderful and got better and better and then… over. She came up with great premises for stories, and was a wizard at writing the beginnings and middles, but when it came to endings she fizzled. This book is very similar – I was fascinated, entranced, spellbound… and then it was just done. Learnt a lot about NYC during the Civil War, though. Just wish the conclusion had been as promising as the rest of the book.

34) Dog Days, John Levitt. Now, I am a cat person… but the ‘dog’ in this book is very likeable. Of course, the focus is on the human, who is definitely someone I can understand. Not that I can play jazz guitar ot anything, but I do understand that whole ‘you have such potential… if you’d only….’ scenario. Been hearing that one my whole life… Anyway, interesting characters and situations. I also enjoyed the fact that it was set in a truly believable world; our own, just with some people who have a little bit more umph to them.

The last two books are part of the pile I picked up on the weekend – yes I have another stack to add to my as yet unread stack. Going to put them aside though; have to get the library books read first. And maybe even take a break for a bit (also got DVDs to watch).